Life is full of good days and bad days. Why is it that I tend to blog only on the bad days? I remember a couple of months ago when I was rummaging in my parent's garage, I found one of my journals I kept when I was in middle school. I actually kept several journals, all of them about half-filled with my musings. I was so scatter-brained even then that I would lose them somewhere in the tornado I called my room, or buy a pretty new pink one I saw in the store (Barnes and Noble, Strand, Rite Aid... mostly Rite Aid since we were poor even back then).
Anyway, I re-read it and was genuinely shocked. Who was this kid?? I was amused, mortified, and saddened. My journal was filled with obsessive rants on one of my closest friends, my siblings, and the world. Basically, it see-sawed between, "I HATE the world! I LOVE the world! but MOSTLY I DETEST THE SHIT OUT OF IT!" Whatever that means. I actually capitalized a lot of my sentences. So I obviously meant it, duh. And apparently, I only wrote on those miserable days when adolescence felt like a storm if bricks falling on my head. Not pleasant.
So about 10 years later, I'm doing the same thing today. Today was a bad day. Periodically, I raise my head from the pile of shit called work, look around, and realize I have absolutely no friends. I have a life, but no one here to share it with. It kind of sucks, but I guess grad school does that to you... makes you the loner you promised yourself you wouldn't be. Today was one of those days. I have no plans for Friday and Sat night (although I am going to a party on Sunday), and I fell asleep at the last party I went to. Plus the closest friend I DID have - let's call her Melon- has drifted away and we've had a falling out sort of. More on that later (plus more on her name). What has happened? I've become as pathetic as the 14-yr old who wrote with such angst. Ah well. C'est la vie.
Have a good 13th. Friday the 13th.
Friday
Saturday
Ms. Goody TwoShoes
Oops, haven't written in a while. Nada mucho has happened recently... except my usual rants about people. Sadly, no raves. I get annoyed easily by people, and after a while it's hard for me to continue flashing my pearly whites at them while simultaenously gritting my teeth.
Example in point: Ms. Goody TwoShoes. She used to be my roommate, has a lovely non-American accent, is sweet, smart, hardworking. In other words, she is perfect. And I hate perfect people, especially those who shine so brightly I wilt like a flower besides them. Well, actually, that's not the real reason I hate her. Ms. Goody TwoShoes has some cracks in her facade.
1. For one, she is one of those women who spend ALL their time with their men.
2. She's ridicously nice. Being a bitch, that makes me skeptical.
3. She has no life.
For some reason (3) bothers me the most. I hate being around people who work ALL the time, and act like they HAVE to do it. Hello??? I'm taking the same classes, am coasting, and do 1/2 the work you do. Don't complain and whine and make me feel guilty. As you may have noticed, I don't like doing work to begin with. I do what's enough, learn it fine, and have schooled myself in studying in smart and efficient ways (clearly as I am writing this is not one of those times) so that I can have somewhat of a life. I've been through a lot of shit in my short life to realize that life is so much more than grades, etc. It annoys me to come up against people my age who still value themselves by their grades. I just want to shake them by their shoulders, tell them to open up, let life in, and most importantly... stop making me feel goddamn guilty.
Omg. I'm such a bitch.
But really. They piss the hell out of me.
Sigh, that felt gooooood.
Update & disclaimer (sort of): I like Ms.GoodyTwoShoes. Sometimes, though, I get stressed and we all know nice people are the first to get pooped on.
Example in point: Ms. Goody TwoShoes. She used to be my roommate, has a lovely non-American accent, is sweet, smart, hardworking. In other words, she is perfect. And I hate perfect people, especially those who shine so brightly I wilt like a flower besides them. Well, actually, that's not the real reason I hate her. Ms. Goody TwoShoes has some cracks in her facade.
1. For one, she is one of those women who spend ALL their time with their men.
2. She's ridicously nice. Being a bitch, that makes me skeptical.
3. She has no life.
For some reason (3) bothers me the most. I hate being around people who work ALL the time, and act like they HAVE to do it. Hello??? I'm taking the same classes, am coasting, and do 1/2 the work you do. Don't complain and whine and make me feel guilty. As you may have noticed, I don't like doing work to begin with. I do what's enough, learn it fine, and have schooled myself in studying in smart and efficient ways (clearly as I am writing this is not one of those times) so that I can have somewhat of a life. I've been through a lot of shit in my short life to realize that life is so much more than grades, etc. It annoys me to come up against people my age who still value themselves by their grades. I just want to shake them by their shoulders, tell them to open up, let life in, and most importantly... stop making me feel goddamn guilty.
Omg. I'm such a bitch.
But really. They piss the hell out of me.
Sigh, that felt gooooood.
Update & disclaimer (sort of): I like Ms.GoodyTwoShoes. Sometimes, though, I get stressed and we all know nice people are the first to get pooped on.
Tuesday
La. La. La.
Went out last weekend in downtown chi-town... after 6 drinks got buzzed. I've got the liver of a horse. Hell. I have no idea if they've got good livers. Let's just say it's analogous to the stomach of a cow. It can handle anything.
Anyway, flirted like crazy with a dude who reminded me soooooo much of the King of Cuteness himself (Bwoy). Except he wasn't as cool. And except I didn't flirt with him that much. It was more like he kept flirting with me (seriously!). Of course, this was all until I found out from my friend that he was MARRIED. Hmmm, I wonder why he never mentioned that to me. blech. Hold on, did I just call Bwoy the King of Cuteness? Oy vey.
Eventually I stopped wasting my time flirting with married men and proceeded to my real love, Karaoke! Like many other things in my life, I suck at singing. My voice is not something you'd want to hear even in a Turkish bath. What makes it worse, however, it my attempts to make it all breathy and sexy like Norah Jones-- I just end up sounding like I've got a terribly bad cold and need some cough syrup pronto. Quite the opposite effect. Fortunately, I have a very flexible body when I dance, so I like to twist in strange dance moves whilst I croon, hoping that it will at least make me look partway sexy. I have no idea if it works-- people stare, but I can't tell if they're smiling because I look good, or they're just laughing at me. Or they could just be pained, startled smiles of people being forced to acknowledge white noise.
Ahhhh mis amigos y amigas. Being out at night does weird narcissitic things to a girl-- despite my wise twenty somethin years and complaints otherwise, I still like being the center of attention, shaking my groove and screaming in my hoarse voice.
p.s. I think the fact that Bwoy is not living here has opened my eyes to all the male attention around me. Startling. Sigh. He needs to come here. Now. I'm growing horns!!! ;)
Anyway, flirted like crazy with a dude who reminded me soooooo much of the King of Cuteness himself (Bwoy). Except he wasn't as cool. And except I didn't flirt with him that much. It was more like he kept flirting with me (seriously!). Of course, this was all until I found out from my friend that he was MARRIED. Hmmm, I wonder why he never mentioned that to me. blech. Hold on, did I just call Bwoy the King of Cuteness? Oy vey.
Eventually I stopped wasting my time flirting with married men and proceeded to my real love, Karaoke! Like many other things in my life, I suck at singing. My voice is not something you'd want to hear even in a Turkish bath. What makes it worse, however, it my attempts to make it all breathy and sexy like Norah Jones-- I just end up sounding like I've got a terribly bad cold and need some cough syrup pronto. Quite the opposite effect. Fortunately, I have a very flexible body when I dance, so I like to twist in strange dance moves whilst I croon, hoping that it will at least make me look partway sexy. I have no idea if it works-- people stare, but I can't tell if they're smiling because I look good, or they're just laughing at me. Or they could just be pained, startled smiles of people being forced to acknowledge white noise.
Ahhhh mis amigos y amigas. Being out at night does weird narcissitic things to a girl-- despite my wise twenty somethin years and complaints otherwise, I still like being the center of attention, shaking my groove and screaming in my hoarse voice.
p.s. I think the fact that Bwoy is not living here has opened my eyes to all the male attention around me. Startling. Sigh. He needs to come here. Now. I'm growing horns!!! ;)
Sunday
Skin Care
Back in chi-town!
Back to work, back to no life. At first I was blue, but now I am starting to like it!!! Oy vey. What is wrong with me?
By the way, my favorite article from NY Times this week
The Cosmetics Restriction Diet
I totally agree with the author!! I use Dove Soap daily on my face, water, and a moisturizer. And my skin I would say is pretty good (*knocks on wood*). The fancy-schmanzy creams by friends always buy scare me with their attack on my olfactory glands (geez, the smells they come up with are INSANE), and mostly their INSANE prices. I've become a cheap-o now that I'm a grad student.
And makeup? It's sad when I see girls who can't go outside without their makeup. Y'all know who I'm talking about. The other day, I read a blog of a girl who posts about makeup and her knowledge is scary-intensive. Her knowledge vast and won a lot of admirers, but when I looked at her pics, I thought her face looked like a cake. Remove the layers and there would be much more natural beauty underneath.
Okay enough ranting for today! One day I'll do my own skincare and makeup post. Except it will be three lines. Ha! J/K.
Back to work, back to no life. At first I was blue, but now I am starting to like it!!! Oy vey. What is wrong with me?
By the way, my favorite article from NY Times this week
The Cosmetics Restriction Diet
I totally agree with the author!! I use Dove Soap daily on my face, water, and a moisturizer. And my skin I would say is pretty good (*knocks on wood*). The fancy-schmanzy creams by friends always buy scare me with their attack on my olfactory glands (geez, the smells they come up with are INSANE), and mostly their INSANE prices. I've become a cheap-o now that I'm a grad student.
And makeup? It's sad when I see girls who can't go outside without their makeup. Y'all know who I'm talking about. The other day, I read a blog of a girl who posts about makeup and her knowledge is scary-intensive. Her knowledge vast and won a lot of admirers, but when I looked at her pics, I thought her face looked like a cake. Remove the layers and there would be much more natural beauty underneath.
Okay enough ranting for today! One day I'll do my own skincare and makeup post. Except it will be three lines. Ha! J/K.
Monday
Party Pooper
Maybe it's just me, but lately I've become tired of the party circuit. I mean it means dressing up, drinking, drunk-texting/calling people, acting silly, hitting on that hot guy you never had the guts to approach (but in a very unglamorous way), puking, and then waking up the next morning with the fuzzy memory you did something pretty embarassing.
And then the people. Ahhh the people. Seems like the only friends I have in NY are the ones who are about "the scene." What is up with that? What IS "the scene?" Some of my friends can't have a normal dinner with me. Instead, they have to have me and Other People, they have to have it loud, it has to involve drinking, a cool lounge, beautiful people, and a chance to buy rounds.
It's frustrating. I come back to NY, and I expected to have nice quiet dinners with people. Instead, nothing much has changed. Everything has to be frenetic, cool, and expensive. I think it has to do with the people I hang out with here... not as much good friends, but fun people to drink with. I'd be some kind of arm candy since I look dramatically different (in a nice way) when I actually give a shit about what I wear, not someone to have a deep convo with.
Hmmm I guess I've changed a bit. I used to like the going out, but it's gotten a bit tired. I mean if you like that, that's cool. As for me, I don't as much anymore. Plus I have an unnaturally strong liver. So I never get drunk and I can never act silly the way everyone around me starts acting. In the end, I laugh, chat, pick them up, and wish I were at home. With Bwoy, Best Friend, or like-minded people-- or at least drinking with them.=)
And then the people. Ahhh the people. Seems like the only friends I have in NY are the ones who are about "the scene." What is up with that? What IS "the scene?" Some of my friends can't have a normal dinner with me. Instead, they have to have me and Other People, they have to have it loud, it has to involve drinking, a cool lounge, beautiful people, and a chance to buy rounds.
It's frustrating. I come back to NY, and I expected to have nice quiet dinners with people. Instead, nothing much has changed. Everything has to be frenetic, cool, and expensive. I think it has to do with the people I hang out with here... not as much good friends, but fun people to drink with. I'd be some kind of arm candy since I look dramatically different (in a nice way) when I actually give a shit about what I wear, not someone to have a deep convo with.
Hmmm I guess I've changed a bit. I used to like the going out, but it's gotten a bit tired. I mean if you like that, that's cool. As for me, I don't as much anymore. Plus I have an unnaturally strong liver. So I never get drunk and I can never act silly the way everyone around me starts acting. In the end, I laugh, chat, pick them up, and wish I were at home. With Bwoy, Best Friend, or like-minded people-- or at least drinking with them.=)
Tuesday
Shhhh
Currently I am hiding in Bwoy's apartment while I hear movements that his roommate is making outside. Why am I hiding?
Reason 1: I had assumed that today nobody would be home so I started walking around in my bra and panties like I always do alone in my own apt. I was in the kitchen spooning honey in my mouth when I heard the doorknob rattle. I did a 6 meter dash to Bwoy's room, globs of honey sticking to my chest, and I locked his door. So now I am stuck in Boy's room in my bra and panties with my finger literally in a honey pot. And my suitcase with any semblance of decent clothes stuck outside in the hallway.
Reason 2 : I don't like Bwoy's Roommate. He has two-one of them I like, the other one I don't like. And the apalling reason I don't like Bwoy's Roommate is I don't like his girlfriend. Don't you love how this hate really comes from hate within? It's like one of those Russian dolls you open, and there's another Russian doll inside. Surprise! I hate you, but really I hate you because-I-hate-your-Girlfriend.
Anyways, as I type this, Bwoy's Roomate Whose GirlFriend I'm Not Fond Of is entering the bathroom. Oh no. Why doesn't Bwoy's Roommate Whose GirlFriend I'm Not Fond Of go away and leave me be to wander out again aimlessly in my underwear, spooning honey in my mouth, like the honey-fiend I am?
Grumble. I'm going to stake a sit-in until he leaves....
Reason 1: I had assumed that today nobody would be home so I started walking around in my bra and panties like I always do alone in my own apt. I was in the kitchen spooning honey in my mouth when I heard the doorknob rattle. I did a 6 meter dash to Bwoy's room, globs of honey sticking to my chest, and I locked his door. So now I am stuck in Boy's room in my bra and panties with my finger literally in a honey pot. And my suitcase with any semblance of decent clothes stuck outside in the hallway.
Reason 2 : I don't like Bwoy's Roommate. He has two-one of them I like, the other one I don't like. And the apalling reason I don't like Bwoy's Roommate is I don't like his girlfriend. Don't you love how this hate really comes from hate within? It's like one of those Russian dolls you open, and there's another Russian doll inside. Surprise! I hate you, but really I hate you because-I-hate-your-Girlfriend.
Anyways, as I type this, Bwoy's Roomate Whose GirlFriend I'm Not Fond Of is entering the bathroom. Oh no. Why doesn't Bwoy's Roommate Whose GirlFriend I'm Not Fond Of go away and leave me be to wander out again aimlessly in my underwear, spooning honey in my mouth, like the honey-fiend I am?
Grumble. I'm going to stake a sit-in until he leaves....
Sunday
Break
It's been a long time since I posted.
What's happened since then? Um, work. Lots of it. And now I have a delicious month-long break with... NOTHING TO DO! Hehe. And I'm back in NY, staying with Bwoy, sleeping with Bwoy ;), and sleeping all day...
My day today:
12pm: Woke up! Bwoy woke me up from the coffeeshop where he was estudiando.
1pm: Groggily (and proud of it) showered, put on decent clothes, hopped on train to Long Island City to Best Friend's (BF) boyfriend's apartment.
2-4pm: Had bruch with Bwoy, Best Friend, and Best Friend's Boyfriend (BFBF). Also goggled at the rapid gentrification Long Island City is undergoing. I remember the times growing up (not too long ago, too) when it was all junkies and abandoned warehouses... now there are luxury high rises popping up all over the place!!! I miss the gritty days. I do.
Oh, and did I ever mention how brunch is my favorite meal EVER? We cooked whole-grain pancakes with Vermont maple syrup (the real kind-- thin and sweet, not the thick sticky scary Aunt Jemima kind), omlettes with onions, mushrooms, cheddar, toast with butter, blackberries and bananas to top off our pancakes, orange juice and champagne= mimosas!
=) Food Coma Alert- for real.
4pm-5pm: Back to Manhattan, and Starbucks after the really heavy brunch. Oh funny story.... so after I ordered my drink, I joked about how yuppie I had become. I mean, I ordered an eggnog latte (skim, no whipped). I had become one of those pretentious snobs who gave about a thousand directions on how to make my particular cup of coffee, and then paid a ridiculous amount of money to have it handed over to me. I remember as a teenager growing up on the poor side, I'd walk around in my puffy coat, bandana, and sneaks, loving the way the yuppies would shift their eyes when they saw me enter their sacred kingdom of Starbucks (where I'd buy a water- ha!). Now I had become one of those yuppies!! Ay caramba.
So as we joked about it and walked down the street with our overpriced, oversugared beverages, a woman in stylish boots and a leather jacket stopped us, out of breath. "Oh my god, where is the nearest Starbucks?" Bwoy blinked, pointed down the block, and she breathlessly thanked out and ran towards the Starbucks. We looked at each other and laughed. A lot. Good lord. What a city.
5pm- 9pm- worked in Bwoy's room. Bwoy working on writeups, me figuring out why I can't register for classes because of bills online I allegedly hadn't paid. Argh, stupid office of financially retarded people.
9pm- well that hasn't happened yet, but the plan is to eat and then write Holiday cards. Yum! I love doing that=) I bought these small cards from Barnes & Noble for 20% off-- that's right, bitches! Don't hate.
What's happened since then? Um, work. Lots of it. And now I have a delicious month-long break with... NOTHING TO DO! Hehe. And I'm back in NY, staying with Bwoy, sleeping with Bwoy ;), and sleeping all day...
My day today:
12pm: Woke up! Bwoy woke me up from the coffeeshop where he was estudiando.
1pm: Groggily (and proud of it) showered, put on decent clothes, hopped on train to Long Island City to Best Friend's (BF) boyfriend's apartment.
2-4pm: Had bruch with Bwoy, Best Friend, and Best Friend's Boyfriend (BFBF). Also goggled at the rapid gentrification Long Island City is undergoing. I remember the times growing up (not too long ago, too) when it was all junkies and abandoned warehouses... now there are luxury high rises popping up all over the place!!! I miss the gritty days. I do.
Oh, and did I ever mention how brunch is my favorite meal EVER? We cooked whole-grain pancakes with Vermont maple syrup (the real kind-- thin and sweet, not the thick sticky scary Aunt Jemima kind), omlettes with onions, mushrooms, cheddar, toast with butter, blackberries and bananas to top off our pancakes, orange juice and champagne= mimosas!
=) Food Coma Alert- for real.
4pm-5pm: Back to Manhattan, and Starbucks after the really heavy brunch. Oh funny story.... so after I ordered my drink, I joked about how yuppie I had become. I mean, I ordered an eggnog latte (skim, no whipped). I had become one of those pretentious snobs who gave about a thousand directions on how to make my particular cup of coffee, and then paid a ridiculous amount of money to have it handed over to me. I remember as a teenager growing up on the poor side, I'd walk around in my puffy coat, bandana, and sneaks, loving the way the yuppies would shift their eyes when they saw me enter their sacred kingdom of Starbucks (where I'd buy a water- ha!). Now I had become one of those yuppies!! Ay caramba.
So as we joked about it and walked down the street with our overpriced, oversugared beverages, a woman in stylish boots and a leather jacket stopped us, out of breath. "Oh my god, where is the nearest Starbucks?" Bwoy blinked, pointed down the block, and she breathlessly thanked out and ran towards the Starbucks. We looked at each other and laughed. A lot. Good lord. What a city.
5pm- 9pm- worked in Bwoy's room. Bwoy working on writeups, me figuring out why I can't register for classes because of bills online I allegedly hadn't paid. Argh, stupid office of financially retarded people.
9pm- well that hasn't happened yet, but the plan is to eat and then write Holiday cards. Yum! I love doing that=) I bought these small cards from Barnes & Noble for 20% off-- that's right, bitches! Don't hate.
Roommate troubles
So I had a talk with my roommate. Basically it went something like this:
NP: Um, we need to talk.
RM (nodding head and not looking NP in the eye): Right, I agree.
NP: I've been feelin a lot of tension in the apartment lately and--- (interrupted)
RM (in one loooong breath): ---So here's what I think. I think it's better we keep the common areas as just common areas spaces. I've been getting the feeling you've been really annoyed with me lately and I just can't keep thinking to myself, "are we in friendly banter stage? or are we in casual aquaintance stage? etc" so I can't keep worrying about that, so I think that it's best we just keep this as roommates and nothing more than that, maybe it's just me. (pauses for breath).
NP: Well I--
RM (in another loooong breath): It's just that I've been thinking about this the whole day, and I think that even before I met you, that's what I would want my roommate only to be a roommate kind of situation and nnothing more than that.
NP: Well we can at least be civil to each other. You know, say hi and hello, and be cordial. For my part, I will be friendlier.
RM (frowning, looking at left corner of the room).
NP: Um, is there a problem?
RM: You know, I just don't want it to be more than that. I think we should draw the boundaries as that.
NP: Look, I'm not asking that we be friends or anything; whatever happens, happens. We're very different pple; I'm just saying that we should keep the atmosphere cordial.
RM (nodding, looking to the right of the room): I agree, I agree.
NP: I think you're a great roommate, and since we're living int he same space, it would be best if we act mature.
RM (frowning): Yes, I just don't think it would serve us to be more that that.
NP (exasperated, but keeping tone "civil"): I'm not asking us to be best friends; I'm not looking for one. I just want to know if you're going away for a month, etc. I don't ask you to go out with me or anything, I'm just asking we be civil to each other.
RM (nodding): Yeah, I was upset at you this morning because of the Netflix thing.
NP (internally rolling her eyes): Yeah, *sorry* about that.
RM: Oh no, I totally understand where you were coming from.
NP (opening arms): So can we hug on this.
RM (fidgeting and turning red and moving like a maniac and then laughing loudly): Hahaha! You know I'm really uncomfortable with the touchy-feely thing. Hahaha!
NP (extending hand): Um okay, let's shake hands.
NP shakes RM's rather sweaty hands.
RM (making her nerdy, jerky moves): OKay, I'm going to go back to my room.
NP goes back into her room.
NP: Good lord.
Well, now I'm glad I don't have to deal with Her Annoyingness anymore. The girl is soooo wierd, it used to drive me CRAZY all the time. And always complaining, never asking me abotu my day. Such bad energy. This is so much better=)
NP: Um, we need to talk.
RM (nodding head and not looking NP in the eye): Right, I agree.
NP: I've been feelin a lot of tension in the apartment lately and--- (interrupted)
RM (in one loooong breath): ---So here's what I think. I think it's better we keep the common areas as just common areas spaces. I've been getting the feeling you've been really annoyed with me lately and I just can't keep thinking to myself, "are we in friendly banter stage? or are we in casual aquaintance stage? etc" so I can't keep worrying about that, so I think that it's best we just keep this as roommates and nothing more than that, maybe it's just me. (pauses for breath).
NP: Well I--
RM (in another loooong breath): It's just that I've been thinking about this the whole day, and I think that even before I met you, that's what I would want my roommate only to be a roommate kind of situation and nnothing more than that.
NP: Well we can at least be civil to each other. You know, say hi and hello, and be cordial. For my part, I will be friendlier.
RM (frowning, looking at left corner of the room).
NP: Um, is there a problem?
RM: You know, I just don't want it to be more than that. I think we should draw the boundaries as that.
NP: Look, I'm not asking that we be friends or anything; whatever happens, happens. We're very different pple; I'm just saying that we should keep the atmosphere cordial.
RM (nodding, looking to the right of the room): I agree, I agree.
NP: I think you're a great roommate, and since we're living int he same space, it would be best if we act mature.
RM (frowning): Yes, I just don't think it would serve us to be more that that.
NP (exasperated, but keeping tone "civil"): I'm not asking us to be best friends; I'm not looking for one. I just want to know if you're going away for a month, etc. I don't ask you to go out with me or anything, I'm just asking we be civil to each other.
RM (nodding): Yeah, I was upset at you this morning because of the Netflix thing.
NP (internally rolling her eyes): Yeah, *sorry* about that.
RM: Oh no, I totally understand where you were coming from.
NP (opening arms): So can we hug on this.
RM (fidgeting and turning red and moving like a maniac and then laughing loudly): Hahaha! You know I'm really uncomfortable with the touchy-feely thing. Hahaha!
NP (extending hand): Um okay, let's shake hands.
NP shakes RM's rather sweaty hands.
RM (making her nerdy, jerky moves): OKay, I'm going to go back to my room.
NP goes back into her room.
NP: Good lord.
Well, now I'm glad I don't have to deal with Her Annoyingness anymore. The girl is soooo wierd, it used to drive me CRAZY all the time. And always complaining, never asking me abotu my day. Such bad energy. This is so much better=)
Friday
Deep thoughts... finally
Bwoy complains I never post enough, which I find really sweet. So I'll post today, although this entry is not very sweet. Or funny. It's just... well, sad.
The past few days have been rough. I don't even know why. It's not like I have an incredible amount of work. I guess I just feel lonely. And I am sort of scared of work... I'm doing well, which I find incredibly weird, and it actually stresses me out. You see, I'm an engineer, and doing well is .... weird. We're really a masochist bunch of people.
There are days when you feel lonely. I have made a total of 2 friends here... my program is so small. And grad school is not really fitting in with me... the people are immature, unprofessional, and socially awkward. The other day, I saw a guy who I had met and had somewhat of a pleasant (although awkward) conversation with. He didn't know what to say to me. That was insulting, and mildly bewildering.
When I lived in NY, I had Bwoy and my best friend, and a bunch of other pple. I could complain, be myself, laugh, joke, and have normal conversations. Here there is nobody. I talk to Bwoy and my best friend on the phone, but that's it. Nobody really to come home to and decompress with (my roommate complains enough, is very highstrung and antisocial so I don't generally like being around her). And Bwoy is so stressed nowadays, sometimes I don't like to talk to him because I don't want to to worry him. So that doesn't work... or am I being selfish?
So I run. Supposedly it helps. And it does, to some extent. I guess seratonin ends up being released. But only for a little while. It's difficult to stave away lonliness, or worse, the feeling of being lost. I can't decide whether it's the feeling of being lost, or just alone. Whatever it is--- lately, that's what I've felt like.
If I could leave here, I'm not sure where I would go. NY? To a broken family, and Bwoy who has not much time or energy with his own busy schedule? To a frenetic city filled with stalkers that I am glad to get away from?
I used to be excited about going back to NY for winter break. I'm not so sure anymore. I think I'd like to abandon my life, go off without telling anyone, into a big field of sunflowers, lie on my back, and gaze at the sky instead.
The past few days have been rough. I don't even know why. It's not like I have an incredible amount of work. I guess I just feel lonely. And I am sort of scared of work... I'm doing well, which I find incredibly weird, and it actually stresses me out. You see, I'm an engineer, and doing well is .... weird. We're really a masochist bunch of people.
There are days when you feel lonely. I have made a total of 2 friends here... my program is so small. And grad school is not really fitting in with me... the people are immature, unprofessional, and socially awkward. The other day, I saw a guy who I had met and had somewhat of a pleasant (although awkward) conversation with. He didn't know what to say to me. That was insulting, and mildly bewildering.
When I lived in NY, I had Bwoy and my best friend, and a bunch of other pple. I could complain, be myself, laugh, joke, and have normal conversations. Here there is nobody. I talk to Bwoy and my best friend on the phone, but that's it. Nobody really to come home to and decompress with (my roommate complains enough, is very highstrung and antisocial so I don't generally like being around her). And Bwoy is so stressed nowadays, sometimes I don't like to talk to him because I don't want to to worry him. So that doesn't work... or am I being selfish?
So I run. Supposedly it helps. And it does, to some extent. I guess seratonin ends up being released. But only for a little while. It's difficult to stave away lonliness, or worse, the feeling of being lost. I can't decide whether it's the feeling of being lost, or just alone. Whatever it is--- lately, that's what I've felt like.
If I could leave here, I'm not sure where I would go. NY? To a broken family, and Bwoy who has not much time or energy with his own busy schedule? To a frenetic city filled with stalkers that I am glad to get away from?
I used to be excited about going back to NY for winter break. I'm not so sure anymore. I think I'd like to abandon my life, go off without telling anyone, into a big field of sunflowers, lie on my back, and gaze at the sky instead.
Wednesday
My day today
What I did today:
Morning
- woke up at 6 to finish up a hw
- turned in half-assed hw at 10 (probably due to the fact i fell back asleep at 6:05, and then woke up at 9:45)
- went to my one class of the day
- worked on another hw due tomorrow. Finito! I know, I'm a genius, dripping with sarcasm.
Afternoon
- came home.
- cooked pasta, tomatoes, okra, with some mustard. Yummy!
- Also watched 50 Celebrity Breakup Countrown on E! That channel is addicting to brianless fools like me.
- Cleaned room. Went from a full blown tornado to a mild tropical thunderstorm.
Evening
- Watched Law and Order, paid bills, set up email server on my pretty new Ibook.
- Called parents, Bwoy, relaxed.
- Studied a bit before bed, thought about how much I miss having friends. And how much I miss Bwoy.
I know. I've turned from a wine-o to a whine-0. HA!
Morning
- woke up at 6 to finish up a hw
- turned in half-assed hw at 10 (probably due to the fact i fell back asleep at 6:05, and then woke up at 9:45)
- went to my one class of the day
- worked on another hw due tomorrow. Finito! I know, I'm a genius, dripping with sarcasm.
Afternoon
- came home.
- cooked pasta, tomatoes, okra, with some mustard. Yummy!
- Also watched 50 Celebrity Breakup Countrown on E! That channel is addicting to brianless fools like me.
- Cleaned room. Went from a full blown tornado to a mild tropical thunderstorm.
Evening
- Watched Law and Order, paid bills, set up email server on my pretty new Ibook.
- Called parents, Bwoy, relaxed.
- Studied a bit before bed, thought about how much I miss having friends. And how much I miss Bwoy.
I know. I've turned from a wine-o to a whine-0. HA!
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