Deep thoughts... finally

Bwoy complains I never post enough, which I find really sweet. So I'll post today, although this entry is not very sweet. Or funny. It's just... well, sad.

The past few days have been rough. I don't even know why. It's not like I have an incredible amount of work. I guess I just feel lonely. And I am sort of scared of work... I'm doing well, which I find incredibly weird, and it actually stresses me out. You see, I'm an engineer, and doing well is .... weird. We're really a masochist bunch of people.

There are days when you feel lonely. I have made a total of 2 friends here... my program is so small. And grad school is not really fitting in with me... the people are immature, unprofessional, and socially awkward. The other day, I saw a guy who I had met and had somewhat of a pleasant (although awkward) conversation with. He didn't know what to say to me. That was insulting, and mildly bewildering.

When I lived in NY, I had Bwoy and my best friend, and a bunch of other pple. I could complain, be myself, laugh, joke, and have normal conversations. Here there is nobody. I talk to Bwoy and my best friend on the phone, but that's it. Nobody really to come home to and decompress with (my roommate complains enough, is very highstrung and antisocial so I don't generally like being around her). And Bwoy is so stressed nowadays, sometimes I don't like to talk to him because I don't want to to worry him. So that doesn't work... or am I being selfish?

So I run. Supposedly it helps. And it does, to some extent. I guess seratonin ends up being released. But only for a little while. It's difficult to stave away lonliness, or worse, the feeling of being lost. I can't decide whether it's the feeling of being lost, or just alone. Whatever it is--- lately, that's what I've felt like.

If I could leave here, I'm not sure where I would go. NY? To a broken family, and Bwoy who has not much time or energy with his own busy schedule? To a frenetic city filled with stalkers that I am glad to get away from?

I used to be excited about going back to NY for winter break. I'm not so sure anymore. I think I'd like to abandon my life, go off without telling anyone, into a big field of sunflowers, lie on my back, and gaze at the sky instead.