TIME: 8:44 PM
Location: In the office!!!
Mood: Procrastination mixed with desperation, i.e., "Oh shit, why the f*ck am I blogging when I should be typing my report frantically."
Wearing: Fitted brown shirt, dark blue jeans, sneakers, blue and gold earrings.
Meals: Oatmeal for breakfast, rice and beans and cheese for lunch, cookies and chips for dinner.
Thinking: Of my big project due Friday
Will: - Go home in 3 hours and mope about the project.
Wishing: I had done a number of things... Return L's (my bff) call, call Hippiegirl (my bff in high school) to wish her a happy bday, get a haircut, pay bills, run once in the past 3 weeks(!) Wishing that this report that I've been working on the past 3 wks turns out okay. Also wishing after it's done that I run 5 miles and get back into it.
Highlight of my day so far: Lunch. I love Mexican food.
Wednesday
Sunday
LDR
What I miss most about a non-LDR relationship is the triviality/commonness of things.
- calling up Bwoy on a bad night and making him go to a movie with me.
- showing up at his apt when I know he's had a rough day (though I did do that once earlier this year... flew into NY one random wknd to surprise him).
- watching TV curled up in bed with him.
- trying different cheapo restaurants and wandering the city.
- being nerds and doing work side by side, on our separate computers.
- silences in each other's presence.
- no pressure to make a 4-day visit as memorable as possible.
Bwoy visited me this weekend, and we actually did do a LOT of the trivial things on the list. We didn't go off trekking mountains, or go to elaborate dressed up affairs, or stare in each other's eyes (okay maybe a little). We were just homebodies who went out a bit, but liked snuggling into soft blankets and flipping through channels. And that's what made me realize how much I miss being boring with him =)
- calling up Bwoy on a bad night and making him go to a movie with me.
- showing up at his apt when I know he's had a rough day (though I did do that once earlier this year... flew into NY one random wknd to surprise him).
- watching TV curled up in bed with him.
- trying different cheapo restaurants and wandering the city.
- being nerds and doing work side by side, on our separate computers.
- silences in each other's presence.
- no pressure to make a 4-day visit as memorable as possible.
Bwoy visited me this weekend, and we actually did do a LOT of the trivial things on the list. We didn't go off trekking mountains, or go to elaborate dressed up affairs, or stare in each other's eyes (okay maybe a little). We were just homebodies who went out a bit, but liked snuggling into soft blankets and flipping through channels. And that's what made me realize how much I miss being boring with him =)
Things to do if I pass the big exams...
1. Go to a swanky overpriced hair salon and get a badly needed haircut. Feel important for a couple of hours.
2. Go buy hot boots.
3. Buy winter workout clothes.
4. Buy cute winter coat?
5. Sweaters!
Hmmm. This sounds very consumerist. How about...
6. Come out of semi-exile and start doing cultural things around Chi-town, i.e. free events, deep and depressing indie flicks.
7. Think about taking yoga.
8. Be nicer to L (my bff), Bwoy, parents. IDD
9. Re-start running (on hiatus for 3 weeks=( Make a schedule.
10. Make a schedule of what I need accpmlished for the next 3 months.
11. 6 hours of sleep weekdays, sleep in weekends.
Hmmm. this is not starting to sound leisurely anymore.
2. Go buy hot boots.
3. Buy winter workout clothes.
4. Buy cute winter coat?
5. Sweaters!
Hmmm. This sounds very consumerist. How about...
6. Come out of semi-exile and start doing cultural things around Chi-town, i.e. free events, deep and depressing indie flicks.
7. Think about taking yoga.
8. Be nicer to L (my bff), Bwoy, parents. IDD
9. Re-start running (on hiatus for 3 weeks=( Make a schedule.
10. Make a schedule of what I need accpmlished for the next 3 months.
11. 6 hours of sleep weekdays, sleep in weekends.
Hmmm. this is not starting to sound leisurely anymore.
Friday
Emotions are so overrated
So the other day I had a wierd meltdown. On my bday. Let's just say I ended up getting a bit drunk, and then had a wierd text-fight with Bwoy. Which means that I would text him angrily "Whty have you nto callerd?" and then wait five minutes for his phone call, hear it, ignore, it, and write another message like, "I'm mad amd drnk. You suck."
Finally, I suppose, he got the idea and also resorted to texting me as opposed to calling me. Mostly his messages were, "Huh? What is wrong? NP, pick up your damn phone." And then I would text him back, "No."
Because, you see, I wanted to have a TEXT FIGHT with him, not a PHONE FIGHT. Duh.
This went on for about half an hour. FInally in the end, I was so tipsy, I just passed out in my bed, rolled up in my comforter with sticky hair and bar-smelling clothes, my fingers poised above my half written text message, something to the effect of "I htate you, you should have" When I woke up the next morning, I had 5 missed calls, and a text message that said, "Good Lord. Where the hell are you, woman."
I know. I'm nuts.
*********
Last night, I had a nice talk with Bwoy last night. My immaturity hurt him and I am very sorry for that. Talking to him, as usual, helped. Mostly because we both have analytical minds. I like that about him—he’s not afraid to tell me what’s on his mind, and he usually tells me when I’m doing something wrong. I like that about me too—that I can take it in, absorb, analyze, and assess. I wasn’t always like that. I used to take critisicm really badly, mostly because I had low confidence and hearing outside criticism just compounded that. Now though, I am pretty okay with myself, and really interested in self-improvement.
So now realize that my minibreakdown on my bday was a combination of things. Some of it was family drama, some of it was frustration with work, some of it was stress with my living situation, some of it was stress from a big proposal I had due two days earlier, some of it was the alcohol, and some of it was just pure missing my closest friends. It’s ironic that my bday this year was the lonliest day of the year for me. Maybe because it was then I realized that the pple I really wanted to celebrate it with were far away, across the country. As I grow older, the less I care about having a big bash; I’d rather celebrate it with my good friends, people who I know are glad I was born, and know that I feel the same about them. I’ve become such a curmudgeon with my time.
Finally, I suppose, he got the idea and also resorted to texting me as opposed to calling me. Mostly his messages were, "Huh? What is wrong? NP, pick up your damn phone." And then I would text him back, "No."
Because, you see, I wanted to have a TEXT FIGHT with him, not a PHONE FIGHT. Duh.
This went on for about half an hour. FInally in the end, I was so tipsy, I just passed out in my bed, rolled up in my comforter with sticky hair and bar-smelling clothes, my fingers poised above my half written text message, something to the effect of "I htate you, you should have" When I woke up the next morning, I had 5 missed calls, and a text message that said, "Good Lord. Where the hell are you, woman."
I know. I'm nuts.
*********
Last night, I had a nice talk with Bwoy last night. My immaturity hurt him and I am very sorry for that. Talking to him, as usual, helped. Mostly because we both have analytical minds. I like that about him—he’s not afraid to tell me what’s on his mind, and he usually tells me when I’m doing something wrong. I like that about me too—that I can take it in, absorb, analyze, and assess. I wasn’t always like that. I used to take critisicm really badly, mostly because I had low confidence and hearing outside criticism just compounded that. Now though, I am pretty okay with myself, and really interested in self-improvement.
So now realize that my minibreakdown on my bday was a combination of things. Some of it was family drama, some of it was frustration with work, some of it was stress with my living situation, some of it was stress from a big proposal I had due two days earlier, some of it was the alcohol, and some of it was just pure missing my closest friends. It’s ironic that my bday this year was the lonliest day of the year for me. Maybe because it was then I realized that the pple I really wanted to celebrate it with were far away, across the country. As I grow older, the less I care about having a big bash; I’d rather celebrate it with my good friends, people who I know are glad I was born, and know that I feel the same about them. I’ve become such a curmudgeon with my time.
Wednesday
B
I need a vacation. This week has been blech with a capital B. Also interpreting as busted, bummer, busy..
The busy part is over: I had an exam that was due at midnight and- lazy bum that I am- I emailed it to the profs at 11:59 pm . That didn't bother me though. What bothered me my crazy ass friend telling me almost every day last week we should go out for drinks to celebrate, and me making reservations, and looking fwd to the fancy place, and ON THE DAY OF THE EXAM she forgets, and when I ask her if she wants to go to dinner, she whines and says she has too much work.
Good lord, the nerve. This is after I spent HOURS and HOURS listening to her freak out about her abnormal-to-begin-with relationships with people. I mean, can I get some love back here? Seriously. She once spent 45 minutes bitching about the dental assistant's attempts to make conversation with her. I had to pretend like the dental assistant was off her rocker, when, in truth, my friend is as crazy and awkward as they come.
And then the other day, I sat mortified and pinned to the couch in her apartment as I heard her sobbing in the next room. I had to sneak out of her apt after listening to half an hour of sobs... of course, we never discussed the fact that I left, leaving my half-eaten meal on her table, which makes everything even more awkward. We never even discussed what caused this to happen, her leaving me on the couch abruptly, going to her room, closing the door, and wailing for half an hour. Later, I found out the culprit- she had decided to overnalayze and freak out over a 5-line email she sent to her prof. Oy.
Sigh. This has pretty much solidified my decision to live by myself next year. So at least I can decompress from all the wacky pple in my life.
Times likes these I miss Bwoy. Is this what post-college life is supposed to be like? I don't think so. I think this is what grad school is. I mean, I lived and worked in NY after college and that was quite normal. now that I've moved, well... let's just say I've never met as many crazies in NY as I have in graduate school.
This is why I need a vacation. I need some sanity.
The busy part is over: I had an exam that was due at midnight and- lazy bum that I am- I emailed it to the profs at 11:59 pm . That didn't bother me though. What bothered me my crazy ass friend telling me almost every day last week we should go out for drinks to celebrate, and me making reservations, and looking fwd to the fancy place, and ON THE DAY OF THE EXAM she forgets, and when I ask her if she wants to go to dinner, she whines and says she has too much work.
Good lord, the nerve. This is after I spent HOURS and HOURS listening to her freak out about her abnormal-to-begin-with relationships with people. I mean, can I get some love back here? Seriously. She once spent 45 minutes bitching about the dental assistant's attempts to make conversation with her. I had to pretend like the dental assistant was off her rocker, when, in truth, my friend is as crazy and awkward as they come.
And then the other day, I sat mortified and pinned to the couch in her apartment as I heard her sobbing in the next room. I had to sneak out of her apt after listening to half an hour of sobs... of course, we never discussed the fact that I left, leaving my half-eaten meal on her table, which makes everything even more awkward. We never even discussed what caused this to happen, her leaving me on the couch abruptly, going to her room, closing the door, and wailing for half an hour. Later, I found out the culprit- she had decided to overnalayze and freak out over a 5-line email she sent to her prof. Oy.
Sigh. This has pretty much solidified my decision to live by myself next year. So at least I can decompress from all the wacky pple in my life.
Times likes these I miss Bwoy. Is this what post-college life is supposed to be like? I don't think so. I think this is what grad school is. I mean, I lived and worked in NY after college and that was quite normal. now that I've moved, well... let's just say I've never met as many crazies in NY as I have in graduate school.
This is why I need a vacation. I need some sanity.
Friday
Bend, Snap, Splinter.
Last night a friend of mine called me to tell me she cheated on her boyfriend (who she had been dating for 3 years). With a married guy. I didn't even know what to say. I've had plenty of friends who have cheated, which is fine. But her??
Let's call her Ruler, since that is what she functioned as for much of my life. She was my compass of morality, my cornerstone of justice, my... oh, I don't know. Let's just say that this was a woman who would wrinkle her nose when I told her how I gave my number to a college dude when I was pretty inebriated with some friends at a bar (he texted me the same night and I showed the text to Bwoy. We had a good laugh). This was a woman who scolded me when I told her I hung out with my ex-boyfriend, and *gasp* danced with him slightly innapropriately and drunkenly when I was tipsy.
I told her of my "escapades" last night, exaggerating them, in a lame attempt to make her feel better-- i.e., wave my arms and say, "Hey! We ALL get pretty stupid when we're drunk!" Of course in my head, I added, "The difference is I have never crossed the line to making out with someone (knock on wood)." Apparently, though, she did. And apparently, that fact didn't prevent her from scolding ME during the same conversation.
I feel bad for her. I really do. Given that Ruler is so ruler-like, I can only imagine how much this must tear at her. I did my best and gave her meaniingless advice, like "Give it a few days," and "We all make mistakes... you just, er, made a bad one." I swear, sometimes my brain just turns into a ball of mush. But really, she did just make a mistake, and her mistake made me really think of how very thin the line is between flirting and cheating, and how every one of us has the potential to stupidly cross it. Tempt fate all you want, as long as you don't get into bed with it at the end, is my motto. It takes a lot of control. I just never thought that Ruler would bend, snap, and splinter.
So that's that. Now the question is whether Ruler is going to tell her boyfriend. Amid all my dumb remarks to her, I hinted that maybe she doesn't need to give him that pain. Of course, she got all huffy that I would try to dissuade her from "doing the right thing." Um, is this really the right time for HER to be scolding ME about doing the right thing? We'll see what happens... I don't think she should tell him the entire story, but she seems hellbent on that way. Hmmm.
Let's call her Ruler, since that is what she functioned as for much of my life. She was my compass of morality, my cornerstone of justice, my... oh, I don't know. Let's just say that this was a woman who would wrinkle her nose when I told her how I gave my number to a college dude when I was pretty inebriated with some friends at a bar (he texted me the same night and I showed the text to Bwoy. We had a good laugh). This was a woman who scolded me when I told her I hung out with my ex-boyfriend, and *gasp* danced with him slightly innapropriately and drunkenly when I was tipsy.
I told her of my "escapades" last night, exaggerating them, in a lame attempt to make her feel better-- i.e., wave my arms and say, "Hey! We ALL get pretty stupid when we're drunk!" Of course in my head, I added, "The difference is I have never crossed the line to making out with someone (knock on wood)." Apparently, though, she did. And apparently, that fact didn't prevent her from scolding ME during the same conversation.
I feel bad for her. I really do. Given that Ruler is so ruler-like, I can only imagine how much this must tear at her. I did my best and gave her meaniingless advice, like "Give it a few days," and "We all make mistakes... you just, er, made a bad one." I swear, sometimes my brain just turns into a ball of mush. But really, she did just make a mistake, and her mistake made me really think of how very thin the line is between flirting and cheating, and how every one of us has the potential to stupidly cross it. Tempt fate all you want, as long as you don't get into bed with it at the end, is my motto. It takes a lot of control. I just never thought that Ruler would bend, snap, and splinter.
So that's that. Now the question is whether Ruler is going to tell her boyfriend. Amid all my dumb remarks to her, I hinted that maybe she doesn't need to give him that pain. Of course, she got all huffy that I would try to dissuade her from "doing the right thing." Um, is this really the right time for HER to be scolding ME about doing the right thing? We'll see what happens... I don't think she should tell him the entire story, but she seems hellbent on that way. Hmmm.
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