Today i had a full on meltdown, cried in lab (alone, of course!), was mean to Bwoy (i.e. "you're not committed to this! i'm getting old! your parents hate me and you are starting to believe them!" etc), and in general have been negative with a capital N.
I got to snap out of this. This is not me! Usually I find humor in the worst of situations!
Seriously though, a large part of it is my roommate. I've got to get away from her whininess and weirdness. Ever since I came back from vacation (a blissful 2 wks away from her), I got a fresh dose of her and realized just how bizarre she really is. It's no fun living in a coffin sized apt where you continually try and avoid her.
Snap!! Going to go home now, do groceries, relax, and wake up ass early to run in the gym tmw. Hear me roar, y'all.
Thursday
Saturday
Like water...
Bwoy told me that Warren Buffet said that the best investment you can ever make is in yourself. I thought about a lot the past few weeks. I thought about it as I pondered the fact that Bwoy and I may be doing long distance for the duration of his residency (6-7 years). I know I'm supposed to go join him wherever he is (for myself after 2 or 3 yrs), but the truth is finding a post-doc let along a professorship in my field is quite difficult. Chances are I won't have much of a choice of where I go geographically. Chances are our relationship may or may not last.
These thoughts contributed a lot to my new attitude of taking everything one day at a time and to the unsettling fact that I cannot plan my life. I can't plan it for another 10 years. By the time I graduate I will be almost thirty. After I'm thirty, I'll have to relocate for several years, moving around from post-doc to post-doc. By the time I ever get a professorship, I will be in my mid thirties. Sadly, I might still have to move in my late thirties if I don't get tenure. So really, by the time I get tenure, I will be in my early forties. This means I have at least another 15 years to go before I am settled in a place.
Scary, huh? Imagine how I must feel-- after all, I am the one going through this. It made me wonder a lot whether getting a PhD and going into academia is worth it, especially since I am in love with Bwoy and want us to stay together. At the same time, I thought about what Warren Buffet said, and the fact that I have only one life. After a lot of thought and discussion, I realized that- just as I would never want Bwoy to give up his career for me- he would never want me to do the same. If we stay together, I will make compromises, to be sure. I may decide in the end to not go into academia. I may simply try to get an industry job (which I'll be highly overqualified for) wherever he is. Even this, however, would take a while. After all, a PhD getting an industry job in my field simply is NOT a walk in the park. Whatever it is, whatever path I take, it will be hard, especially compared to my friends who are getting MDs, JDs, or MBAs. So what's the point of stressing so much about the future, a future where everything is up in the air? The best thing to do is keep my head down, work hard, enjoy the moment, and flow along with life- like water.
Easier said than done. But don't knock me for trying.
These thoughts contributed a lot to my new attitude of taking everything one day at a time and to the unsettling fact that I cannot plan my life. I can't plan it for another 10 years. By the time I graduate I will be almost thirty. After I'm thirty, I'll have to relocate for several years, moving around from post-doc to post-doc. By the time I ever get a professorship, I will be in my mid thirties. Sadly, I might still have to move in my late thirties if I don't get tenure. So really, by the time I get tenure, I will be in my early forties. This means I have at least another 15 years to go before I am settled in a place.
Scary, huh? Imagine how I must feel-- after all, I am the one going through this. It made me wonder a lot whether getting a PhD and going into academia is worth it, especially since I am in love with Bwoy and want us to stay together. At the same time, I thought about what Warren Buffet said, and the fact that I have only one life. After a lot of thought and discussion, I realized that- just as I would never want Bwoy to give up his career for me- he would never want me to do the same. If we stay together, I will make compromises, to be sure. I may decide in the end to not go into academia. I may simply try to get an industry job (which I'll be highly overqualified for) wherever he is. Even this, however, would take a while. After all, a PhD getting an industry job in my field simply is NOT a walk in the park. Whatever it is, whatever path I take, it will be hard, especially compared to my friends who are getting MDs, JDs, or MBAs. So what's the point of stressing so much about the future, a future where everything is up in the air? The best thing to do is keep my head down, work hard, enjoy the moment, and flow along with life- like water.
Easier said than done. But don't knock me for trying.
Thursday
Turning point
Lately I've reached a turning point in my life. I wonder if everyone reaches it. My turning point is a realization that: b) it's best to be patient b) and/or have different expectations of life. I've done both. Patience is good for work, since nothing ever seems to go right in my research...but that's the nature of research, so patience is good. Different expectations stem from troubled spots in my life: my living situation, family, and people. Based on this odd combination that I've never experienced before, I've turned into a woman just yearning for peace. I don't want glory or even happiness that much anymore, just peace. And that involves believing I deserve nothing so that my heart doesn't get broken.
Disturbing enough? Yes. This all happened during the New Year when several factors propogated it. One, my family, which has its full share of problems and drama, but essentially we are good people and it's sad that bad things happen ... anyway, we try to carry on the bravest we can. But it made be realize that sometimes no matter how hard we pray or hope, help doesn't come at the right time, and so the best we can do is expect less, find some joy out of the darkness, and draw upon our own strength more. Two, Bwoy's family, who tell him I'm not good enough for him and that has not only pricked my world and morale but made me wonder whether more bad things await, i.e. will he eventually listen to their manipulations (based on meeting me a handful of times) and believe them himself? If you knock a coconut against a rock enough times, eventually it will crack.
You see, I've fought for so many things with my heart on the line, and it's been broken too many times already; and although it's mending, I still consider it fragile and I still need it for strength. Perhaps my turning point boils down to the fact that I tend to guard my heart more jealously now.
Perhaps its part of growing up.
Disturbing enough? Yes. This all happened during the New Year when several factors propogated it. One, my family, which has its full share of problems and drama, but essentially we are good people and it's sad that bad things happen ... anyway, we try to carry on the bravest we can. But it made be realize that sometimes no matter how hard we pray or hope, help doesn't come at the right time, and so the best we can do is expect less, find some joy out of the darkness, and draw upon our own strength more. Two, Bwoy's family, who tell him I'm not good enough for him and that has not only pricked my world and morale but made me wonder whether more bad things await, i.e. will he eventually listen to their manipulations (based on meeting me a handful of times) and believe them himself? If you knock a coconut against a rock enough times, eventually it will crack.
You see, I've fought for so many things with my heart on the line, and it's been broken too many times already; and although it's mending, I still consider it fragile and I still need it for strength. Perhaps my turning point boils down to the fact that I tend to guard my heart more jealously now.
Perhaps its part of growing up.
Tea Kettle
I recently bought a tea kettle from a neighbor who was moving out for a mere 5 dollars. I was excited. Being a big tea person, and having always made my tea in my small little pot, I now was the proud owner this pretty, green, nifty tea kettle. No, it wasn't an electric kettle. It wasn't even very big. But NP- well, she gets excited about little things.
So I proceeded to brew my tea in the kettle today. I decided to brew some Earl Grey with cinnamon, cloves, and cardomon pods, my favorite cup of tea. After putting in about half and half of water and vanilla soymilk, I set the tea kettle on my burner, and went back to my room to wait for the whistling. Once I heard the whistling, I went back to the kitchen and to my dismay saw most of my tea spurting out of the kettle and onto the kitchen floor. You see, I not only got the whistling, I got the rise of milk when it boils. Duh. I should have remembered that. That's the reason I always watched my milk tea brewing like a mother watching her child when I used to use the old-school pot. Back then, as soon as the tea began to rise, I'd turn off the heat, and drink my delicious brew.
Well, this not so delicious brew ended up coating the inside of my burner, leaving a mess for me to clean up. I also got lumps of boiled soymilk. WTF? That never happened to me before, and I'm still not sure why I got them. Stupid, stupid NP. So all in all, I got about 1/2 a cup of lumpy tea, to which I gamely added my spices and even more gamely tried to sip-- very very gingerly. Ah well. Lesson learned. Highlight of the day.
So I proceeded to brew my tea in the kettle today. I decided to brew some Earl Grey with cinnamon, cloves, and cardomon pods, my favorite cup of tea. After putting in about half and half of water and vanilla soymilk, I set the tea kettle on my burner, and went back to my room to wait for the whistling. Once I heard the whistling, I went back to the kitchen and to my dismay saw most of my tea spurting out of the kettle and onto the kitchen floor. You see, I not only got the whistling, I got the rise of milk when it boils. Duh. I should have remembered that. That's the reason I always watched my milk tea brewing like a mother watching her child when I used to use the old-school pot. Back then, as soon as the tea began to rise, I'd turn off the heat, and drink my delicious brew.
Well, this not so delicious brew ended up coating the inside of my burner, leaving a mess for me to clean up. I also got lumps of boiled soymilk. WTF? That never happened to me before, and I'm still not sure why I got them. Stupid, stupid NP. So all in all, I got about 1/2 a cup of lumpy tea, to which I gamely added my spices and even more gamely tried to sip-- very very gingerly. Ah well. Lesson learned. Highlight of the day.
Wednesday
sigh
back in chitown from a psuedo-vacation, and i get a million emails from my advisor reminding me that i should be finishing up my project. yes, i should, shouldn't i. the only problem is that ordering everything takes a long time and right before i left chicago he made a SIGNIFICANT change in the design of the project. which means i start all over again. the other problem is that this project is a completely new field, and with my aging brain and terrible indecision (stemming from lack of confidence perhaps?), and the fact that the design costs like a million dollars, one can understand that i am very slow with designing this thing.
i used to care whether he thought i was stupid or not (i think he's discovered the sad truth already) but now i just care about actually understanding what the hell i am designing. or do i? at this point, i'm just pissed off at the crappiness of this project, and i am desperately trying to drill up motivation and interest in finishing it. perhaps that's partly why i did so little work on it in december... i just didn't care anymore.
well, NP, time to put on your acting and self-motivation skills, and grind away to get this terrible thing out of the way. the sooner i finish, the sooner i can go onto more interesting things...
i used to care whether he thought i was stupid or not (i think he's discovered the sad truth already) but now i just care about actually understanding what the hell i am designing. or do i? at this point, i'm just pissed off at the crappiness of this project, and i am desperately trying to drill up motivation and interest in finishing it. perhaps that's partly why i did so little work on it in december... i just didn't care anymore.
well, NP, time to put on your acting and self-motivation skills, and grind away to get this terrible thing out of the way. the sooner i finish, the sooner i can go onto more interesting things...
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