Being a misanthrope today and slightly freaking out about work, I've holed myself up in the library to "read." That, of course, consists of ocassionally glancing down at the article, but mostly reading the New York Times and checking Facebook every 15 minutes to live vicariously through people I don't even talk to anymore. Makes me realize I should talk to them-- they seem to have much more interesting lives than me. Oh well. The bad thing is my lab wants to go out to lunch. Which puts me in self-exile. I've been avoiding the office and holing myself up here so that I don't have to be peer-pressured to join them. Going out with a bunch of awkward people who don't drink, don't stay up past 11 pm, don't do anything outside of work, ideas of parties are boring potlucks, and say things like "gosh darn!" makes me want to bash my head into my desk.
So I've been surreptitiously sending emails from the library to the organizer of the outing, with lines such as "Dear --, unfortunately I am stuck at home, feverishly doing work! " Neither of which is true. My estimation is that they are leaving within an hour to go to lunch, at which point, I can sneak out of the library, back to the empty office, and eat lunch in peace. Then right before they come back, I'll sneak out of the office, and go back to the library for the rest of the afternoon. And later, in the evening, when I've accomplished 15% of what I ambitiously planned to do, I'll sneak back out of the library. I'll go back to the office to pack up (knowing that Miss Goody Two Shoes will still be there since she doesn't have a life), and be like, "So busy! No time to talk, guys! Hope you had time! Bye!" and then run home. At which point, I will eat dinner, watch TV, and go out for drinks with a friend of mine. You see, I've got this all planned. Meticulously.
Friday
Sunday
Dancing Dilemna
I like to dance. I dance at clubs, on tables at clubs, on bars, in the shower, in my room alone, everywhere. And I know how to dance. I grew up dancing, was trained in several types. I do my own thing, too.
- I'm not one of those girls who get up, turn around, and proceed to spend a full hour wiggling their ass at the audience.
- I'm not on of those women who get really drunk and proceed to make out with anonther women on stage, humping their glass or whatnot, undressing sloppily.
- I'm not one of those gals who are pushed on stage by a group of giggling girls, after much fake protestation ("you go up! no, you go up! no *giggle* YOU go up!"), blinking in the spotlight.
I go up willingly, and drag other pple up with me. And I dance. No flashing, no humping, just something close to joy, and definitely fun.
Anyway, that said, I like to dance but get somewhat discomfited when people say things to me. A couple of weeks ago I was in LA and my friends and I decided to push some drunk (wiggling ass type of pple) out of the way, and jumped on the pedestal to dance. We had a good time. One of my friends even took off her shoes to do some breakdancing moves. Anyway, we were going all out, dancing and laughing, when I noticed random guys taking pictures of me dancing. That made me uncomfortable. This kind of attention when I start dancing has happened before. Last year, a bouncer at a club told me I did a good job when I jumped on the tables and started wagging my head to the beat; but I didn't feel bad then, because I felt like the bouncer wasn't trying to hit on me or anything (plus, he told me I should consider being a paid dancer for the club or in general).
Last wknd when I went dancing, we were at a club with a pole. I don't know how to pole dance, so I just danced in front of the pole and ocassionally grabbed the pole and leaned away from it. I couldn't move that much anyway, since I had my huge tote bag in one hand and a drink in the other while I was shimmying. I was wearing a short-sleeved bright orange sweater with jeans. No cleavage, no leg, nothing. Just me shimmying and getting all my stress out by dancing. While I was doing my moves, a guy actually came up to me and said, "Hey, I just want you to know you look supersexy on the pole." My facial reaction must have startled him, because he quickly said, "I meant that as a compliment, by the way." Needless to say, I quickly got off and felt something like confusion and shame. As we were leaving the club, another guy tapped me on the shoulder and said, smilingly, "Hey! No more dancing?"
So I thought about it. Should I feel bad about having a good time? Did I "degrade" myself? I didn;t think I did... I've seen pics of myself dancing and I look like a cross between a rapper and Shakira, nodding my head and wiggling my hips , a slim sillhouette moving to the beat. No exposed nipples or ass, no girl on boy action, no girl on girl action, no girl on inanimate object action. Just me... dancing. I had a good time. So why was I so embarassed when people complimented me? I suppose I've never thought of myself as sexy, and the prude in me automatically thinks something is wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with it. If that's what I am, so be it. I haven't degraded myself in any way, in my opinion, or attempted to get anyone's attention. I am just out to have a good time.
Hmmm. Must think about it some more.
- I'm not one of those girls who get up, turn around, and proceed to spend a full hour wiggling their ass at the audience.
- I'm not on of those women who get really drunk and proceed to make out with anonther women on stage, humping their glass or whatnot, undressing sloppily.
- I'm not one of those gals who are pushed on stage by a group of giggling girls, after much fake protestation ("you go up! no, you go up! no *giggle* YOU go up!"), blinking in the spotlight.
I go up willingly, and drag other pple up with me. And I dance. No flashing, no humping, just something close to joy, and definitely fun.
Anyway, that said, I like to dance but get somewhat discomfited when people say things to me. A couple of weeks ago I was in LA and my friends and I decided to push some drunk (wiggling ass type of pple) out of the way, and jumped on the pedestal to dance. We had a good time. One of my friends even took off her shoes to do some breakdancing moves. Anyway, we were going all out, dancing and laughing, when I noticed random guys taking pictures of me dancing. That made me uncomfortable. This kind of attention when I start dancing has happened before. Last year, a bouncer at a club told me I did a good job when I jumped on the tables and started wagging my head to the beat; but I didn't feel bad then, because I felt like the bouncer wasn't trying to hit on me or anything (plus, he told me I should consider being a paid dancer for the club or in general).
Last wknd when I went dancing, we were at a club with a pole. I don't know how to pole dance, so I just danced in front of the pole and ocassionally grabbed the pole and leaned away from it. I couldn't move that much anyway, since I had my huge tote bag in one hand and a drink in the other while I was shimmying. I was wearing a short-sleeved bright orange sweater with jeans. No cleavage, no leg, nothing. Just me shimmying and getting all my stress out by dancing. While I was doing my moves, a guy actually came up to me and said, "Hey, I just want you to know you look supersexy on the pole." My facial reaction must have startled him, because he quickly said, "I meant that as a compliment, by the way." Needless to say, I quickly got off and felt something like confusion and shame. As we were leaving the club, another guy tapped me on the shoulder and said, smilingly, "Hey! No more dancing?"
So I thought about it. Should I feel bad about having a good time? Did I "degrade" myself? I didn;t think I did... I've seen pics of myself dancing and I look like a cross between a rapper and Shakira, nodding my head and wiggling my hips , a slim sillhouette moving to the beat. No exposed nipples or ass, no girl on boy action, no girl on girl action, no girl on inanimate object action. Just me... dancing. I had a good time. So why was I so embarassed when people complimented me? I suppose I've never thought of myself as sexy, and the prude in me automatically thinks something is wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with it. If that's what I am, so be it. I haven't degraded myself in any way, in my opinion, or attempted to get anyone's attention. I am just out to have a good time.
Hmmm. Must think about it some more.
Drama
Went out partying last night until the wee hours, and saw the sun rise. Crashed at a friend's place around 6:00 am, woke up two hours later and dragged myself home around 8:00 am. What a night. Drama, of course. With people crying, fighting, all while in a drunken state. Myself somewhat included, of course. It was three girls and a guy, plus some other pple who were not involved and were more disturbed and amused by what they saw. Guy (the guy) was traumatized by the whole experience, especially since he tried to calm things during the various fights. Here were the fights.
Fight #1. After we left the first bar, we all tried to figure out where to go next. I had picked the bar to be in a neighborhood that was close to most of the people who were coming out with us. I was also travelling the farthest so it really didn't matter where we went. Selfish-Unselfish Girl suggested a bar that was way downtown and closer to her. Emoting Girl (who had just finished a 34 hour shift as a med intern) didn't want to go all the way downtown and suggested a place close to first bar. Guy didn't care. I didn't care. Selfish-Unselfish Girl got annoyed and started saying how she came all the way up to this neighborhood to see us and this wasn't fair, making snide remarks; I was sort of getting confused as to why Selfish-Unselfish Girl was complaining... after all, it took me freaking an hour to travel and meet up with everyone, and it took Selfish-Unselfish Girl all of TWENTY minutes. Emoting Girl got really upset and started crying, saying she didn't pick the location, she had no idea where they were going, it was unfair of Selfish-Unselfish Girl to insinuate that Emoting Girl was being selfish. Suddenly, she also started to hurl random accusations at Selfish-Unselfish girls about things that were totally unrelated: like how Selfish-Unselfish Girl never picked up her phone calls; and how Emoting Girl always invited Selfish-Unselfish Girl to things, but this was never reciprocated; and has Selfish-Unselfish Girl ever been oncall for 34 hours; and why would Selfish-Unselfish Girl complain when Emoting girl was just so tired and, well, sleepy. It went on and on for a good ten minutes while Guy gave me panicked looks from across the cab and I tried oh so hard not to laugh, patting Emoting Girl's head absentmindedly.
Guy and I managed to calm everyone down and we ended up going to Selfish-Unselfish Girl's recommendation. What a stupid recommendation, too. It ended up being a random dive bar where we played beer pong and was not as cool as the first bar. What made it interesting, of course, was the fact that this most-random-of-all-bars-and-hella-boring-too was THREE blocks from where Selfish-Unselfish Girl lived! Coincidence?? I think not. That made me grumpy. I'm no fool, readers, and I made some offhand remarks to Selfish-Unselfish Girl letting her know that--in the form of joking how much fun beer pong is. With dripping sarcasm, of course.
Fight #2. Was about food. After we stumbled out of the hole in the wall, smelly dive bar, Selfish-Unselfish Girl was hungry. Emoting Girl recommended a Mexican joint that was open at all hours of the night, except that it was back in the first neighborhood. Selfish-Unselfish Girl started to complain about how she was not about to go all the way uptown to come all the way downtown; I got mad and told her to stop complaining since I was the one coming in from the boondocks and I had thus far made no complaints at all. I also told her that if she wanted to go elsewhere, to do so, and the rest of us would go to the Mexican joint. This did NOT go over well with Selfish-Unselfish Girl, who wanted to go to a McDonalds that was ONE BLOCK from where she lived. Pity. I know she likes having things her way, what with dragging us to a random ugly ass bar in her hood just to be convenient for her. It frustrated her that I was actually suggesting us leaving her and doing our own thing. What a shame, really. I really felt for her *rolls eyes*
As an aside, we were also all discussing where I should sleep. I said I could take the train home, but Guy and Emoting Girl offered their places generously (which was all the way uptown again). Selfish-Unselfish Girl said nothing, and munched on her Happy Meal. So typical. And rude. Needless to say, this did not help with my anger and resentment.
So finally at the end, the rest of us decided we wanted Mexican food and Selfish-Unselfish Girl got all huffy and said she'd walk to her place. I told her not to be silly and get in the cab; we'd drop her off on the way. The cab ride to her place was literally two bucks and when we reached her place, she started yelling at us about how she was going to pay for the cab (with a $20!) because OBVIOUSLY she was being so selfish. She kept saying that too. I hate it when people say shit like that-- it's fishing for a denial, and I was not about to placate her and tell her oh darling you're not selfish, we love you, please don't be mad. Instead, I told her to stop being ridiculous, stop putting a guilt trip on us which was unecessary, and just go home. She kept yelling, got furious really, threw the money at the poor cab driver, got out, and slammed the door.
So at the end, we took the change from her $20 and had a nice, hot, delicious, Mexican meal. Guy kept shaking his head at the skies, wondering why women were such trouble, and Emoting Girl and I discussed the night's events over steaming hot enchiladas. Both of them contemplated sending her an email making sure she was okay, and I put my foot down. It was only afterwards, when Bwoy suggested I check up on Selfish-Unselfish Girl, that I actually considered it. I thought about it hard- I wouldn't have even seriously considered it if Bwoy hadn't suggested it. But in the end, I guess I'm a stubborn mule. I try and treat people with logic and respect. Someone who acts that way (and trust me, I know her since we were wee babes) will get my logic and respect. But no placation. That is just silly.
Fight #1. After we left the first bar, we all tried to figure out where to go next. I had picked the bar to be in a neighborhood that was close to most of the people who were coming out with us. I was also travelling the farthest so it really didn't matter where we went. Selfish-Unselfish Girl suggested a bar that was way downtown and closer to her. Emoting Girl (who had just finished a 34 hour shift as a med intern) didn't want to go all the way downtown and suggested a place close to first bar. Guy didn't care. I didn't care. Selfish-Unselfish Girl got annoyed and started saying how she came all the way up to this neighborhood to see us and this wasn't fair, making snide remarks; I was sort of getting confused as to why Selfish-Unselfish Girl was complaining... after all, it took me freaking an hour to travel and meet up with everyone, and it took Selfish-Unselfish Girl all of TWENTY minutes. Emoting Girl got really upset and started crying, saying she didn't pick the location, she had no idea where they were going, it was unfair of Selfish-Unselfish Girl to insinuate that Emoting Girl was being selfish. Suddenly, she also started to hurl random accusations at Selfish-Unselfish girls about things that were totally unrelated: like how Selfish-Unselfish Girl never picked up her phone calls; and how Emoting Girl always invited Selfish-Unselfish Girl to things, but this was never reciprocated; and has Selfish-Unselfish Girl ever been oncall for 34 hours; and why would Selfish-Unselfish Girl complain when Emoting girl was just so tired and, well, sleepy. It went on and on for a good ten minutes while Guy gave me panicked looks from across the cab and I tried oh so hard not to laugh, patting Emoting Girl's head absentmindedly.
Guy and I managed to calm everyone down and we ended up going to Selfish-Unselfish Girl's recommendation. What a stupid recommendation, too. It ended up being a random dive bar where we played beer pong and was not as cool as the first bar. What made it interesting, of course, was the fact that this most-random-of-all-bars-and-hella-boring-too was THREE blocks from where Selfish-Unselfish Girl lived! Coincidence?? I think not. That made me grumpy. I'm no fool, readers, and I made some offhand remarks to Selfish-Unselfish Girl letting her know that--in the form of joking how much fun beer pong is. With dripping sarcasm, of course.
Fight #2. Was about food. After we stumbled out of the hole in the wall, smelly dive bar, Selfish-Unselfish Girl was hungry. Emoting Girl recommended a Mexican joint that was open at all hours of the night, except that it was back in the first neighborhood. Selfish-Unselfish Girl started to complain about how she was not about to go all the way uptown to come all the way downtown; I got mad and told her to stop complaining since I was the one coming in from the boondocks and I had thus far made no complaints at all. I also told her that if she wanted to go elsewhere, to do so, and the rest of us would go to the Mexican joint. This did NOT go over well with Selfish-Unselfish Girl, who wanted to go to a McDonalds that was ONE BLOCK from where she lived. Pity. I know she likes having things her way, what with dragging us to a random ugly ass bar in her hood just to be convenient for her. It frustrated her that I was actually suggesting us leaving her and doing our own thing. What a shame, really. I really felt for her *rolls eyes*
As an aside, we were also all discussing where I should sleep. I said I could take the train home, but Guy and Emoting Girl offered their places generously (which was all the way uptown again). Selfish-Unselfish Girl said nothing, and munched on her Happy Meal. So typical. And rude. Needless to say, this did not help with my anger and resentment.
So finally at the end, the rest of us decided we wanted Mexican food and Selfish-Unselfish Girl got all huffy and said she'd walk to her place. I told her not to be silly and get in the cab; we'd drop her off on the way. The cab ride to her place was literally two bucks and when we reached her place, she started yelling at us about how she was going to pay for the cab (with a $20!) because OBVIOUSLY she was being so selfish. She kept saying that too. I hate it when people say shit like that-- it's fishing for a denial, and I was not about to placate her and tell her oh darling you're not selfish, we love you, please don't be mad. Instead, I told her to stop being ridiculous, stop putting a guilt trip on us which was unecessary, and just go home. She kept yelling, got furious really, threw the money at the poor cab driver, got out, and slammed the door.
So at the end, we took the change from her $20 and had a nice, hot, delicious, Mexican meal. Guy kept shaking his head at the skies, wondering why women were such trouble, and Emoting Girl and I discussed the night's events over steaming hot enchiladas. Both of them contemplated sending her an email making sure she was okay, and I put my foot down. It was only afterwards, when Bwoy suggested I check up on Selfish-Unselfish Girl, that I actually considered it. I thought about it hard- I wouldn't have even seriously considered it if Bwoy hadn't suggested it. But in the end, I guess I'm a stubborn mule. I try and treat people with logic and respect. Someone who acts that way (and trust me, I know her since we were wee babes) will get my logic and respect. But no placation. That is just silly.
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