Still not happy about moving

It's frustrating being with Bwoy because I know how people judge us. Also, I know people (esp Indian people) will judge us as a couple and consider me lucky I'm with a doctor. Even my parents. That kind of shit drives me crazy. Sometimes I wonder if his parents hate me because of that among their other reasons (generally, I'm not considered good enough). Sometimes I wonder whether Bwoy will do that too. I don't bring that much into the "power couple" equation. I'm not that smart, which is a reason why I decided not to pursue a PhD. People in academia succeed due to drive and brains-- I have neither that passion or smarts. It's really nice that he likes being a resident-- it's nice to hear him excited. I wish I were that excited about something. I'm not generally, and I'm not even making money doing what I'm semi-excited about. People give me sympathetic looks when I say I'm an engineer and say, "I know so many people who don't want to be engineers forever." Really? Oh well. Even my own parents are sad that I didn't make much else out of my life. I guess they had big dreams. Well, Mom and Dad, so did I. But I don't know how to get the part of me having status and power. I guess I should have gone to b-school but I'm scared that's not really the right choice either. Isn't that what I thought about grad school and academia? I crossed that off my list, but it was an extra two yrs of my life it took to decide that. That screwed me over since I'm turning 26 already, and still have no clue.

What do I want to do? I just want a career that makes me content and where I can do well. It would be nice to make a lot too, but that won't happen in engineering (let's be honest). I don't want to wait around for someone to have free time with me. That's what I do with Bwoy in NY, so I want to make sure I don't spend my extra time just waiting, but doing something somewhat productive. It was nice here not to do that. I like doing my own thing, being my own person, not feeling like I'm some weak link in a couple. I guess it's because I know so many people who did not remain engineers-- they went on to do bigger and better things with their lives. I'm too chicken or just not interested enough to change. Maybe I should.

The nice thing about Chicago is that people here date normal people. All my friends in NY are big lawyers, doctors, or ibankers who marry the like. Who gets with dorky, middling engineers? Does this mean I have to be a housemom and raise children? Does this mean MY career gets taken less seriously than Bwoy's? These are questions that bug me a lot. Plus I never thought I would take a lesser job because of a man and I did. It really pained me to do so-- turn down dream jobs for a normal engineering job.

So the question is "what makes NP happy?" I'm sure people will say status and money doesn't matter, but I'm Indian so that's ingrained in my cells. Who knows. I'm just tired of people looking at me approvingly when I tell them Bwoy is a doctor. It makes me want to wring their necks. What do they know about Bwoy? Most of all, I worry Bwoy will think the same way. I guess if he does, he'll learn. I may not be a doctor, I may not be a lawyer, but I'm a funny, warm, and good person. Maybe there's a lot of those people too and those are not rare qualities, but even if there were a million such people, every one of them would be worth their weight in gold.